Monica Weets
Posted: Thursday, December 4, 2014 6:00 am
As I sit at my desk, staring out the window mindlessly eating sesame seed crackers while waiting for an inspirational column idea to pop into my head, Pandora decides to play Bob Seger which reminds me of our motorcycle trips to Michigan and Montana this past summer. That, in turn, makes me think that I better start losing weight for next year's bike trip to New Orleans. The holidays are upon us and I need to get through it without gaining an ounce. I'm Norwegian after all and Thanksgiving and Christmas aren't complete without lutefisk, lefse and a pound of butter on each. I decide to Google "tips to lose weight during the holidays."
Several weight loss articles appear and I click on Fitnea's "Eight Simple Ways You Can Avoid Overeating During the Holidays." This looks interesting and obviously it's full of useful information since every Kodak moment in the article captures thin women.
The tips are as follows:
1. Get away from the table – I decide that the author must be from Burma because family gatherings are centered around the dining room table. Has she not seen Norman Rockwell's painting, "Freedom from Want?" Holiday celebrations are all about family and feasting and she expects me to sit on the outside steps while the gravy boat is being passed? Obviously she's never had my mother's gravy because I could sip it through a straw at happy hour, it's that intoxicating. This tip is useless.
2. No chips or crackers – Pardon me? I make the best cranberry cheese ball in the country and you expect me NOT to savor it on a salted buttery cracker? If you think I'm breaking out a bag of broccoli florets to enjoy the tangy sweet goodness of cream and cheddar cheese wrapped in crushed walnuts, you are sadly mistaken. I think to myself that Burmese women must not throw cocktail parties.
3. Eat more vegetables – Only if they're wrapped in bacon. I quickly Google, "Are there pigs in Burma?"
4. Calm yourself – Between laughing, singing and out-talking each other, my family makes more noise than a public brawl between the Hatfields and McCoys. Throw cocktails, football and cracker chewing in the mix and those who aren't conditioned for this high decibel level might be speaking in sign language at next year's celebrations. Listening to us scream when the Vikings offensive line breaks down will make your ears ring longer than a Salvation Army bell ringer on a marathon shift at Menards. Apparently Burma doesn't have Ritz crackers or professional football.
5. Drink slimmer – Does this mean I need to buy slim glasses? If this is indeed the case, I must also buy a smaller ice cream scoop for after dinner drinks containing Kahlua and what's the point of that? Kahlua without ice cream is like cheese without crackers. Is alcohol or ice cream even legal in Burma?
6. Pare down those portions – I decide that portion size is relative and since the author is probably an anorexic who doesn't enjoy cocktails or bacon, I'll eat one less cracker. I can live with this tip.
7. Curb your options – My options include meat, cheese, potatoes, creamed side dishes, chocolate and sugar. Cutting one of these food groups is like asking me which body limb I want severed. Honestly, does Burma celebrate anything? Burmese cats probably eat better here than the people in their homeland.
8. Don't talk with your mouth full – Now you're just irritating me.
Monica Weets is a member of the Messenger staff.
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Thursday, December 4, 2014 6:00 am.
http://www.information.myanmaronlinecentre.com/weight-loss-during-the-holidays/
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